Welcome, Sadness

I haven't known what to write about here for a long time. There's a good reason for that.

It's Autumn.

I start my extra-crazy time when the weather gets cool and I can finally enjoy being outside again. I start remembering my first owned dog, and how we put him down (his birthday is in November, he didn't make it a few more weeks to see it last year). My aunt who passed away early in life (many say I resemble her now as I'm getting up there in years), my grandfathers, my grandmother...

Basically all I have is my mother for blood relatives. She's all that's left to me, and as the months pass into December, it gets harder and harder to not be even more depressed and cry all the time. She's not even here with me - she lives many states away.

I love the colder weather, but it's a never-ending time of depression for me, and my anger gets worse as my menopause starts draining me worse and worse, and being Bipolar (no meds, no money for treatment, been off for more than 10 years and I have the worst kind) doesn't help either.

Bleah.

Not sure where I'm going with this, but that's why I haven't even been bitching on my blog. Ha ha.

*edit: as I was writing this blog entry, my husband got 2 calls from his mother. He was asleep, so I let the one slide... and then got nervous when she called again. He called back: his dad had just died.

I loved his dad - this sucks. So hard. And so weird, not in a good way. I guess I sort of knew something was off.